USS Clueless              Voyages of a restless mind

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Stardate 20011116.1412 (On Screen via long range sensors): So, at long last Iron Chef USA will broadcast tonight. It's a special and the plan is that if it does well they'll make a series out of it. According to this report, there's little chance of that since the show stinks. It's a complete disaster with no redeeming features.

Contrary to previous reports, there's no "Iron Chef English", which is something anyway. The four Iron Chefs are French, Italian, Asian and American. American cooking is nothing like as famous as other kinds, but there is much here to prize, especially when you consider such things as Cajun and Caribbean and Tex-Mex, not to mention barbecue. And many dishes we think of as being ethnic from other parts of the world were actually invented in the US, or so heavily modified here as to not resemble their originals in the home country. (American pizza, for example, is reported to completely outclass the Italian dish on which it is based.)

Regardless, the entire concept is flawed. Iron Chef worked because of the transplant of Samurai ethic; it was intended to be Samurai duels with pots and pans. They borrowed all the trappings of martial arts, including "schools" and rivalries and supposed grudges; it worked because it was quintessentially Japanese. (One of the fascinating story lines they kept following was of traditional Japanese chefs challenging Morimoto because he was too radical, not to mention because he was living in New York. He kept beating them, but then Morimoto is truly a master, as are they all.) It hit all the right notes, being ludicrous in the extreme in some regards while being completely fascinating in other ways. And the cooking is always, always, absolutely top notch. That's the key. Everything else is over the top, but the cooking saves it all -- and must, because at least two of the panel members, and sometimes all four, are gourmets.

None of that translates to America. We don't have the samurai ethic here; and I fear it would come off instead like some sort of game show -- which would crush the seriousness of the food and remove the one thing that makes the show work. From the sound of it they missed out on having any actual food experts on the panel and went completely with show business "personalities" (and lousy ones, at that). And then there's Shatner, a very poor trade for Chairman Kaga. I certainly have no intention whatever of watching Iron Chef USA; let's let it die of poor ratings. (discuss)