USS Clueless              Voyages of a restless mind

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Stardate 20010924.1929 (On Screen): Have I ever mentioned my other favorite sport to watch on TV? It's women's billiards, particularly 9-ball. There are, of course, many different kinds of pool; my own experience is primarily with 8-ball, which is a much easier game. I also did most of my playing on bar tables, where the tables are somewhat smaller and the pockets are bigger (so that the games are shorter and more quarters get fed into the machine) but I got to where I could sometimes run five balls and to where I was beginning to do serious planning. The difference between a beginner and an experienced player is cueball-control; each time you shoot a ball you're thinking at least two shots ahead. But I never really came remotely close to championship level; it's just that I got to the point where I wouldn't embarrass myself when I played against someone. However, it's been years since I did much shooting and I'm sure I'm out of shape. Still, I remember the planning. Of all major physical sports, I think that billiards involves more sheer thinking and planning than any other. Stupid people do not become champions.

Of course, one reason I like watching Women's billiards is that I'm madly in love with Jeanette Lee. I'm a sucker for oriental women anyway, and she's fashion-model gorgeous, as well as being one of the top ranked players in the game. And she always wears slinky black outfits, often made of leather. (My kind of woman!) Alas, she's happily married, and whenever she wins a tournament, she always talks to the camera and tells her husband George that she loves him. But there are other players I enjoy watching. Another is Vivian Villarreal, who is one of those tiny women who seems to have a nuclear reactor inside providing her with boundless energy. She is more emotional when she plays than you can believe; she tends to use a lot of body english. She's a kick.

But there has been an interesting invasion in recent years. The top two players in the world now are both from the UK. Allison Fisher has been the top-ranked women's player or so long that it's almost become a dynasty. The surprise is another Brit named Karen Corr. She used to be the top-ranked women's snooker player in the world, but moved into American billiards, possibly because the money is better. Anyway, like Fisher her experience with snooker has served her well, and she's the second ranked player in the world now.

The difference between an experienced player and a champion is the safe shot. There is nothing more artistic in the game than a great safe shot, and no-one does it better than Corr. Of course, part of the pleasure of a beautiful safe shot is admiration for the skill of setting it up, but part is seeing the schadenfreude of seeing the other player walk up to the table and start thinking about it. Sometimes a player like Corr may only let her opponent get up to the table three times in twenty minutes -- and every time the position is going to suck! The game achieves its peak when someone in that position makes a safe shot of her own; they may trade horrible positions back and forth three or four times.

Like watching "Junkyard Wars" and trying to figure out what they're going to do, watching billiards is an active experience, trying to predict how they'll set themselves up. Unfortunately, I usually don't do very well; I'm just not in their league. (I never will be, either. That's part of why they're fun to watch.) (discussion in progress)